Akatsuki Adventures
by Colins123
Summary: The Akatsuki takes a 5 year vacation because their members are being killed off and they'll come back once the heat dies down. Each chapter covers each charecters adventures and mainly puts it's focus on 1 charecter
1. The emergency meeting

A man was sitting in a green chair in a large dark office

A man was sitting in a green chair in a large dark office. The man had bright orange hair. He had many piercing on his face. His eyes were his most noticeable feature. They had 6 rings around the pupil. He wore a long flowing black robe with red clouds. He wore a ninja headband with a scratch through it. This mans name was Nagato, or as he liked to be called "Pain". He was sitting there wondering about what had happened in the past couple of months. "Dammit, I've lost so many operatives in the past month. All we have left is Konan, Zetsu, Myself times 6, Kisame, and Tobi. What am I going to do?! I have half of the number there used to be. If I run a membership drive Konoha will find me and then I'm dead. I mean we can't be a secret organization if everyone knows where we are. The only reason everyone is dying is because they get in trouble with Konoha. So they need to stop hunting Jinchuuriki for awhile until the heat dies down. How should I tell them"?

The door opened and a woman steeped into Pain's office. "Um, sir here's the cocoa you wanted" said the mystery woman who was possibly his secretary." "GO AWAY JIMUKAN" yelled Pain quite rudely. "Sir what about the cocoa" inquired Jimukan. "Just-just set it on the desk. One thing before you set the cocoa down. Why did you come in? Didn't you see the sign I put on the doorknob?!" asked Pain in a frank and slightly rude manner. "Well sir there is no sign. You told me to tell you to make a sign today that says "plotting do not disturb" yet you left for your morning golf game so fast so I couldn't tell you. Then it just slipped my mind to tell you when you got back. So know I decided to since there was no sign of you doing anything of major importance in your office" replied Jimukan. "Do you know what Jimukan? I just need you to set down the cocoa and since I can't trust my self make the sign for me. Got it?" said Pain with his last nerve being pressed beyond its limits. "Yes sir, of course sir" said Jimukan quickly. She quickly left the room.

"Uh" groaned Pain irritably. "Why is everything crashing around my ears? The plan was simple "take over the world". Not asking for much. All I, _we_ want is to make every citizen bow before our will. Oh, and what does Masashi Kishimoto do? Destroy everything I've ever wanted by killing us off 1 by 1! Oh Geez…" mumbled Pain under his breath. "There are so many ways to solve this little membership problem. I could drop this whole idea. No, NO I can't give up. There's got to be a way" said Pain as he paced his office, wondering of the things that might happen and possible solutions.

Suddenly there was a loud knock on the door. Wondering who was too much of a stupid git not to read the sign Pain decided to see who it was. "Oh wait" Pain thought "there is no sign". Just before Pain opens he door it gets busted down by Kisame. "Hey Pain weren't we going golfing this afternoon? I've been working on my club swing. I want to try my new style. I found out that ol' shark skin is a great driver" said Kisame enthusiastically. "Dude, I would love to but I can't. I've got a lot of stuff on my plate today and..., uh I already went golfing" said Pain sounding embarrassed. "What" said Kisame instantly thrown into a demonic rage. "Why you little" yelled Kisame as he went for the Homer Simpson Strangle hold. Pain quickly ducked out of the way and gave Kisame a simple fist to the head. "Listen dude, you don't have to get so angry man. Have you been going to those anger management seminars I told you about" said Pain in a calming voice. "Yeah" said Kisame reluctantly. "Now dude, take deep breaths and calm down. We'll go golfing tomorrow. Okay" said Pain soothingly. "Ok, but if you ditch me tomorrow you are boned man" said Kisame with an anger rising up in his voice as he left the room.

"Finally I have some time to think" said Pain sounding relived. "Now then how should I tell them? Hmm, let's see here. Okay here's one um, you all get a 5 year vacation. Wait that is it! Yes!", said Pain to himself. Then another knock at the door, though it wasn't a loud knock like everyone else's it was soft and calm. Then suddenly Pain realized who it was. His heart started to race his mind was thinking of what to say and his face almost turned as red as his hair. He ran to the door. He cleaned himself up quickly before he opened the door and there stood a woman. She was the only girl in the Akatsuki. Well except for Deidara but I digress. She had blue hair. She had two studs on her bottom lip. In her blue hair was a small flower. She wore the same cloak as the other Akatsuki members.

"Hello Pain, how are _you_ today" her voice was feminine voice. She added a cute emphasis on "you". " Hi Konan I-I-I'm fine how are you" nervously stammered Pain. "That's always cute Nagato. That little stammering thing you do. So do you have any ideas for membership" said Konan. She always called him Nagato when he did something she thought was cute or funny. "Yeah just give the members a 5 year vacation where the only thing they can't do is, get in trouble with the law. Over this time you and I can look for new members said Pain triumphantly. Immediately Konan became much more seductive. "Well, now we might be able to have some fun over those 5 years. I mean we could strengthen our relationship" said Konan seductively. "We-we-well sure that sounds fantastic" said Pain in nervous and jittery excitement. "Now I need to call a meeting for the Akatsuki members so we'll talk later, ok" said Pain with the nervousness slowly leaving. "Sure thing then Pain" said Konan as she left the room. Pain went over to his desk and pressed the intercom button. "Everyone report to the meeting room. I repeat everyone head to the meeting room. Soon Afterwards Pain left his office and headed towards the meeting room. As he passed his secretary he asked if she made the sign. Jimukan replied with a simple yes. Pain thanked Jimukan and walked towards the meeting room.

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo

He soon arrived at the meeting room. The door to the room was large and made of dark wood. The designs set on the door gave it an ominous feeling. Slowly Pain opened the door. It made a loud clichéd creak as the door opened. The room itself was large and dark. The only lights that were on were over the chair each member sat in. The meeting table itself was not a long table like you would think. It actually had more of a "The Legion of Doom" setup. Some of the chairs were empty of course. Everyone was there except for Pain whose chair was of course at the highest part of the seating arrangements. He quickly got into his chair. "This emergency meeting of the Akatsuki shall now come to order. First order of business is our extreme lack of members. As we well know Konoha has been killing our members. Let's review the deaths. First was Sasori who was killed by a 15 year old and his grandma. Chuckles came up after hearing this. They've heard it many, many times but it was still funny none the less. Next was Deidara who was killed by Sasuke Uchiha. Hidan is in tiny pieces and alive still but he's stuck in a hole in the ground. Orochimaru ran off to try to kill us. Kakuzu was murdered 5 times. Itachi has died due to over usage of his sharingan. So any ideas on why our members keep dying off? No one answered. "It is truly simple we keep getting in trouble with Konoha we need to take a vacation until the heat dies down. Since we have done a lot in the past couple of years we'll need to wait a long time. I'd say 5 years" said Pain frankly. Everyone agreed with the idea. "Now you can do anything you want over this period. The only thing you can't do is kill people or break the law and get a bounty placed on your head. Now that we've gotten that across this meeting of the Akatsuki is adjourned. Now pack your things we leave at dawn" said Pain professionally. Everyone left the room after Pain finished talking. Everyone thought one thing as they left the room. "What will happen to our organization"?


	2. The preparations begin

Kisame was in his room packing everything he would need for 5 years. So far he'd packed his golf clubs and his retainer. He was thinking of many important things at the moment. What would happen to the Akatsuki, who would be his new partner, and should he have fish tacos for lunch?

He knew he needed money so he decided to rob Kakuzu. He already had an idea planned for the next 5 years. When he was young he was told of a temple for mainly water style users and who ever goes there will become a force to be reckoned with, a god of the sea! He already knew where to go but the trek will be arduous. He must cross the tallest mountains, the deepest chasms, and many other difficult environments I'm to lazy to describe .

If that doesn't work out he'll live his dream of beating Tiger Woods and become a professional golfer. "Wait" Kisame said to himself "what if everything goes wrong. What if none of my ideas work? Will my life seem futile if I don't fulfill these dreams? No, no you'll be fine. Just visit a shrink for a couple of years then spend the rest of your 5 years relaxing on a sandy beach." Then Kisame just finished packing and thought nothing of the matter.

While Kisame was busy thinking Konan was packing with romantic thoughts fluttering in her head. "Finally me and Pain get some alone time. What will happen over these 5 years? Will we finally….no, that's not going to happen. We're not at that stage yet but hopefully soon" thought Konan as she was packing. "Ok, let's see if I've got everything" thought Konan. "Ok, paper…check, picnic blanket….check, candle holder thing…check, candles…check, origami for dimwits…check, pajamas…check. Ok I think I'm good" thought Konan. "I wonder whom our new member will be. Hope one of them is a girl so I have someone to talk to. Though if they so much as look at Nagato-Kun they'll be sorry" thought Konan.

Pain wasn't packing. He didn't need to worry. He knew Konan would pack everything he would need in with her stuff. He just grabbed a few personal items. He grabbed his anti infection cream. He always brought this when he traveled. His Icha Icha Paradise in case he wanted to read something. Oh and of course he couldn't forget his teddy bear. He was all set and he could finally relax until it was time to leave. There were a lot of things passing through his mind. Was this a good idea, will we get good members, and most importantly will my relationship with Konan move to the next level? He put his mind at ease with a white chocolate mocha. Then he just sat down and relaxed.

Zetsu was busy packing his things. He already knew what he would do. He had two options to go with. It was either A. work for Hooters by eating the people who die there (It's actually quite common), or B. work for the mafia and make sure that those legitimate business men can remain legitimate businessmen. Either way he gets to eat for a living. He had everything packed. He had his Cannibal Crackers in case he got hungry. Some money he stole from Kakuzu so he didn't have to worry about his financial position. Zetsu didn't have anything on his mind. He just sat down and waited to see what would happen tomorrow.

Tobi had just finished packing. He was wondering about Sasuke. "That boy Sasuke he has massive potential. Ever since his fight with Deidara he has had me intrigued. His eyes could be useful to me. My Mangekyou will become much more powerful with those eyes. I'll need to find him fast. In 5 years he could even surpass me. If he manages to then I will never be able to take his eye" thought Tobi, thinking of a way to first defeat Sasuke. He would need information on this child's abilities. He would need to remember to ask Zetsu about the match between Itachi and Sasuke. If that didn't work he had other ways of finding information. The clock ticks closer towards morning and closer and closer to the change of their lives.


	3. Head out!

When everyone woke up (which was about 4 in the morning) the Akatsuki headquarters was filled with yawns

When everyone woke up (which was about 4 in the morning) the Akatsuki headquarters was filled with yawns. Everyone got up slowly and lazily. Tobi returned to his normal childish self. He was always energetic in the morning. Of course this got everyone plain out pissed. While they were making coffee he ran around screaming telling everyone good morning in a little sing song voice that makes you want to go out and kill someone.

After everyone had their coffee everyone was making sure they had everything prepared. Tobi ran up to Zetsu "Zetsu san! Zeeetsu san!" Yelled Tobi as he ran up to him. "Zetsu san, I forget to ask you about the battle between Itachi san and Sasuke" said Tobi energetically. "What about it" inquired Zetsu. "Can you describe it to me in detail" asked Tobi slowly acting less and less childish. "Of course" replied Zetsu. Zetsu told Madar-… I mean Tobi what happened in the match.

Afterwards Tobi quickly became his old self again. "I wish I could've seen it" said Tobi sounding disappointed. "Oh don't worry" said Zetsu "I got it on camera burned it onto a DVD, then put it on my Ipod. I can put on to yours if you want" said Zetsu enthusiastically. "Can you please do that Zetsu san" asked Tobi. "Sure" said Zetsu frankly. "Domo Arigato Zetsu san" said Tobi sincerely. Tobi gave Zetsu his Ipod and ran off. Well actually he was skipping off not running. "Soon, Sasuke your eye will be mine" thought Tobi.

Mean while Pain was talking to Konan. "So, Konan where do you think we should go first" asked Pain. Konan had plenty off ideas of course. The beach, a motel, her room, etc. , etc. Instead she said "We should go to the bounty station to find S rank rouge ninja. Pain agreed with that idea. Then Pain asked where she _wants_ to go after that. Konan was very happy with this question. "The beach would be a great place to go. The sunset, the comfy sand, and the romantic atmosphere it would be a perfect place to go" said Konan with a romantic and sweet tone to her voice. "Well it's settled" said Pain "after we go to the bounty station you and I are going to have our second date". They were both happy and excited about this.

Kisame was just sitting their just moping. This sounded like a good idea at first but now. He didn't want to leave. He had so many memories here. Suddenly he was thinking of everything sad in his life.

He couldn't stop. He remembered when his puppy died when he was 5. When the girl he had a crush on in High school dumped him. Most of all was when Itachi died. Kisame, believe it or not started to cry. "Oh Itachi, why did you have to die" sobbed Kisame uncontrollably.

His sobbing could be heard through out the compound. Everyone ignored it. Everyone except of course for Zetsu. Zetsu got his video camera and ran to Kisame's room wondering what Kisame was doing. Zetsu saw Kisame crying like a baby and started recording this. "This is _so _going on Youtube" thought Zetsu. He knew this would be the biggest thing since the video about Scooby Doo in rehab. It lasted a whopping twenty minutes of Kisame blubbering spouting out awful memories and saying things like "Leave Britney alone". Before dawn broke Zetsu had already put it on his and Tobi's Ipod and uploaded the video on Youtube and titled it "The Crying Fish Man". 20 minutes before dawn broke everyone changed into normal clothes instead of their Akatsuki uniforms. This was obviously so no shinobi will be able to identify them as members of the Akatsuki at first glance. Well except for Kisame. I mean, It's kind of hard not to recognize a fish man amongst a crowd of normal people but I digress.

Everyone was at the door waiting. They had all of their stuff with them and ready to leave. Then Tobi suddenly ran up to Kisame and said "Kisame san, I've always wondered about how you got yourself to look like a fish". "Well it's simple, I had plastic surgery to look like this. Then when the scars healed I joined the Akatsuki" said Kisame. "Wait so you joined a powerful organization whose most important function is stealth when you can be picked out of a crowd easily because you resemble a different species" said Tobi with a questioning authority tone. Kisame thought about this for about 20 seconds. Suddenly he started to strangle Tobi. "Why you little, how dare you… make me realize the worst… mistake of my life. During this demonic strangle fest Tobi's mask turned blue. His head even somehow inflated to proportions that would put a Zeppelin blimp to shame.

Pain quickly gave Kisame a punch to the head. "Drop it. Drop the Akatsuki member" said Pain sternly. Kisame growled at Pain in a way like that of a dog. Pain left the room momentarily. When he came back he had a newspaper in his hands. He whapped him on the head and said "No, no bad fish" Kisame dropped Tobi who was inhaling rapidly. With every breath his head shrunk until it eventually returned to normal size. Kisame whined after being hit. He got on his hands and knees and left the room. Immediately afterwards he came back and yelled "Why the HELL did we act like that just now with the whole dog thing". "Man I don't know. We will never speak of this again agreed" said Pain. "Agreed" said Kisame. No one ever spoke of it again. Then they all left the Akatsuki headquarters.


	4. The adventures begin!

Hi everybody, I know I haven't updated in weeks, months even but I'm back that's what matters

As everyone traveled there separate paths out of the headquarters there was a strange ominous feeling as they left. Everyone thought they forgot something. It turns out the oven was left on but that's for later on in the story.

Tobi decided to run reconnaissance and gather information on Sasuke. So he dashed of to the world's largest information hub, Wikigakure. A village full of outcast ninja. Everyone there had something on someone. Eventually Tobi would find out who had info on Sasuke. So as he traveled he watched the battle of Itachi and Sasuke on his Ipod. "Quite interesting" thought Tobi. The boy has power but can't use it this could be easy. Though then he noticed Itachi's tap on Sasuke's forehead. "Strange" mumbled Tobi. "With one's last strength wouldn't he try to kill him instead of give a minor tap how odd". As he was walking he was staring so intently at the Ipod screen that he didn't notice someone staring with equal intensity at a book. They bumped into each other suddenly. "Ooh" grunted Tobi and the mystery man in an eerie unison. Tobi quickly returning to his normal self said "Oh I am so sorry Here let me help you" Tobi had not yet seen the person's face. So as he helped the man he saw an ominously familiar face mask. He noticed also the man's book fell on the ground. He recognized from when occasionally Pain was seen reading it in his office (or as Pain liked to call it his "Evil Lair") it was Icha Icha Paradise. He saw the man had huge grey hair. I mean honestly it was huge it stuck out at an angle and was a towering 6 inches of pure hair. Then it slowly dawned on Tobi. If you could see his expression beneath the mask it looked just like a monkey at the zoo slowly realizing that the thing in the pool water was its reflection. He then upon realizing the man before him was Kakashi Hatake that in fear of his cover being blown ran…fast.

All the while Kakashi stood there wondering "Who was that weirdo?" He just shrugged his shoulders and walked off continuing as if nothing happened and began where he was interrupted in his book.

Meanwhile in Kisame's excellent adventure….

Kisame was heading towards a golf course he knew of that was only a mere 50 kilometers away. As he was heading over he was munching on his favorite breakfast cereal "Fishy Flakes" Now with 50 more fish in each box… but, I digress. As he was heading over he was wondering how things would go. It would be easy to secure a membership. Since with his modesty aside he thought he was awesome. "If things don't work out then I shall crush a few heads" thought Kisame. This of course was his motto and in a sense of things the story of his working life. I will go into that fact later in a mind numbing filler chapter.

He eventually grew tired because of the fact he didn't have much energy in the morning, even with the Protein boost of Fishy Flakes. He eventually spotted a Pancake Apartment. So he walked into the diner and grabbed a seat next to the counter on one of the little stools. The waitress walked up and asked what he wanted. In a calm manor Kisame replied with "Three Seagull egg omelets, a cup of coffee, and one of those little color maze things. Oh, and hash browns. With fish chili, cheese, jalapenos, and finally topped with Grey Poupon Mustard". "Got it" replied the waitress frankly. As Kisame sat there waiting for his coloring thing he was thinking of his trip. "Hmm should I turn left at Albuquerque and go through the tunnel or head right and go on a zany adventure and eventually arrive at my destination. Why does the adventure even have to be zany. Why couldn't it be a _wild_ adventure or an _insane _adventure. Heck why does it have to even be an adventure of any sort. Couldn't it be a series of Shenanigans that interconnect only through the end of the previous shenanigan?" Before the fish/shark man could finish his childish inner rant his food had arrived. He took one smell of the food before he ate and a expression of pure happiness and spiritual peace graced his sharky features. Then he sat back ate his breakfast and began the one hour long task of winning a one man game of tic tac toe and not lose at the same time.

note: Pancake Apartment is not a lazy spin-off of Waffle House

Meanwhile Pain and Konan were off traveling to the locale Bounty Hut.

"Now then" Pain said to Konan. "What will we do once we arrive at Bounty Hut?" "I know, we'll order pizza!" said Konan in a very excited almost naïve and childish tone. "….." said Pain as he gave a stare that sent the message "Baka" to anyone it was given to after saying something stupid. Fortunately though it didn't last long so Konan didn't notice. "Your thinking of the wrong place Konan chan. That's Pizza Hut not Bounty Hut" said Pain simply without sounding rude (if you were there you would know how hard that was for the situation). Konan said simply "Ok" in a cute tone and they continued to travel. After a period of silence Konan tried to strike up a conversation. "So Pain what do you want to do at the beach today" "Not sure really. To tell you the truth I just play things by ear so to speak" replied Pain simply. "I see" replied Konan. Konan noticed something coming out of Pain's backpack. It appeared brown and three dimensional so it wasn't cloth. She also noticed stitching. Out of curiosity she pulled on it. It gave resistance so she pulled it out. Out popped a little teddy bear. It looked almost like Pain except for it being a bear. It had the same shade of hair and it even had little spikes. It had a cute little angry expression on its face. It even had a little Akatsuki cloak. Pain realized at the last moment that Konan had the teddy bear. At the moment Konan saw it was almost as if time stopped for a second and he ran over slowly yelling "NOOOOOOOO" like in the manga. Yet it was too late. All was lost unto the world. He lost one of the few remaining shreds of dignity that remained. Then Konan started to giggle looking at the bear. "This bear is adorable Nagato kun. I didn't know you had a teddy bear too" said Konan. Pain looked up at Konan with most of the redness leaving his face. "You have a teddy bear too?" inquired Pain. "Yes Nagato kun. I'll show you hold on one moment". Several seconds later out of Konan's backpack emerged a bear equally adorable as Pain's it had blue hair with a white flower in it. It looked exactly like Konan. Down to the studs beneath her lower lip. "Awww" cooed Pain "Its so cute. It looks just like you, despite the whole being a bear thing" "Thank you Pain" said Konan happily. "Did you sew yours yourself or did your secretary sew it?" Konan asked. "Oh no I can't sew to save my life. Neither can Jimukan. I got Kakuzu to sew it before he had, you know died. I told him if he told anyone I had a teddy bear I would hang him with his own string". "Really?" asked Konan "I did the same thing down to the threat that was given". "Wow we really are a lot alike aren't we?" inquired Pain. "Of course we are Nagato kun, you silly. We spent our entire lives as great friends so why wouldn't we be like each other. "You have a point Konan chan" said Pain. "Now let's hurry over to Bounty Hunt because I'm starting to get hungry" said Konan as she gripped her stomach. "Ok Konan chan. Bet you that I can get there before you". "You think you're faster then me?" inquired Konan. "What if I do?" said Pain in a challenging tone. "Well then I'll have to prove you wrong Pain" replied Konan in the same tone as Pain. They both took a racing stance. "On your mark….get set….GO!" yelled Pain. As they dashed off into the morning sun with the passion of young love fueling them.

Meanwhile on Zetsu's travels

Zetsu walked down a path that he considered would give him the best results (to tell you the truth he flipped a coin). So in boredom he decided to converse with himself. "So Zetsu W, which do you think will pay more? The Hooters or the Mafia"(For reasons unknown he worked out with white Zetsu that so that the other doesn't think the other is talking to himself that when addressing the other Zetsu that White Zetsu is addressed as Zetsu W and Zetsu black is Zetsu B. The reason Zetsu W wasn't used beforehand was because a guy talking to him self in the beginning would have made no sense)."I'm not sure Zetsu B. I'd have to say Hooters only because they are a conglomerate of massive size and power. If someone discovers the dead waitresses then they are going to be sued and billions of Ryo will be lost" said Zetsu W. "Ahh good point Zetsu W but the Mafia will pay more. They actually killed those people and they have much more power. They may be a conglomerate but they operate outside the law so they can accomplish more. They would each go to jail or get the death sentence if the dead bodies were discovered. So they would pay more to get it covered up. Which would you say one would worry about more death or unemployment? See I got you" explained Zetsu B with a cocky selfishness that puts Tom Cruise to shame. "That's true but all well and said only conglomerates can give job "presents" if you wish to call them such. Pension plans, flexible hours, we could even ring out a dental plan. So we would make money by saving money" said Zetsu W with an equal amount of cocky confidence. "Hold on Zetsu W" said Zetsu B. "I have one question". "What is it Zetsu B?" asked Zetsu W. "I see how we get the pension and the flexible hours but, dental why would they cover that on our line of work. We eat people or teeth are strong as ever so why would are teeth need to be paid for?" asked Zetsu B. "Isn't it obvious Zetsu B? Do you know how many women work at hooters have implants, 75 of them at least. I've heard that silicon used in said Plastic surgery can do a number on your teeth" explained Zetsu W. "I see." Said Zetsu B. "Though in the long run it doesn't truly matter I mean think about it. Either way we are paid to eat people" said Zetsu B. "True, it is every man's dream to be paid to eat" said Zetsu with an almost philosophical tone to his voice. They walked down the road after the debate with a long period of silence following it. "Hey Zetsu B I'm going to do crosswords do you mind if I borrow your hand?" asked Zetsu W politely. "Oh sure you can, you don't have to ask but thanks for asking" said Zetsu B "Ok thank you Zetsu B" said Zetsu W politely in response to Zetsu B's response. So they walked onwards hoping they arrive at a Hooters with a help wanted sign.


End file.
